Drug Mule 101

I was debating whether or not to do one more piece for 2011, but there were just too many South African drug mules getting caught for me not to do this piece, so I thought I'd help potential drug mules out with some basic tips. Please note this piece was written in jest, so take in that spirit:) Hope you're enjoying the festive season, and be safe (I need to keep my stats up in 2012;) Enjoy:


So, you're a young South African with too much time on your hands, too many dreams in your head and not enough opportunities/qualifications to make the most of them? Well, have you ever thought of a career as a drug mule?

First things first though, a few things to consider:

1. Research were the job will take you. Know the laws there. Can you be given the death penalty for drug trafficking? Ignorance of the law does not mean you get a free pass. (Note: This is actually a law in most countries - well, South Africa anyway)

2. If you're fortunate enough to have DSTV, catch a few episodes of "Banged Up Abroad" on NatGeo. It will give you some insights into the possible, erm complications you might encounter should you get caught. It will also highlight some basic rookie errors to avoid in order to ensure a safe passage to your destination of choice. (Note: should you not have DSTV, go watch at a friends house. This is a must for any aspiring drug mule)

3. A simple, tried and tested rule of the drug trafficking/dealing game: do NOT get high on your own supply. This also applies to "accidental highs" caused by touching your face/eating while wrapping the merchandise for transportation. Always wash your hands, otherwise you'll realize you're high as you're waiting in the check-in queue. This WILL result in your arrest.

4. Prepare a little care pack with letters and a few video recordings of yourself before leaving for your family to remember you by in the event you do get caught. Chances are if you were desperate enough to be a drug mule your family can't afford return flights to Buénos Aires to visit you in prison...and trust me, if you get caught you'll be there for a while.

5. Bear in mind that if all you've been given to mule is 1kg of whatever, you're most likely just a diversion for the real shipment. Your boss won't really be bothered by your capture, in fact, they might welcome it or even use it to gain favour with police officials a la "tip-off". Hide that stuff like Superman will be searching you with his x-ray vision! (Note: agreeing to transport anything more than a kilo on your person is dumb)

Now you are armed with some basic tips and tricks of the trade should you be considering a position in the seemingly popular drug mule industry. Who knows, some day you might work your way up and become the muler. My last piece of advice before you enter this trade would be that you ask yourself: do I really want to be THAT guy/girl on the news undoing my dreads with a look of stone cold shock on my face after a holiday in Brazil because I was caught smuggling cocaine into Bangkok? If you had even a moments hesitation in answering, I strongly recommend you try something a little less risqué - house keeping perhaps.

Death Took Me

I was asked for a new post by my cuz (Nw’Chabangu), so here it is. Inspired by a conversation I had with a colleague about an unrequited love and Katy Perry’s “The One That Got Away” – Yes…I listen to Katy Perry. Anyhow, hope you pick up the main message – when you love someone, tell them everyday and make sure they never get away, because unrequited love must suck…I wouldn’t know Enjoy:

Death took me away from you
Because when you walked out on me I died
Not a part of me, all of me
Completely, you took my soul with you
Left a shell, broken on the floor
Too weak to follow you out that door
I should have told you long before
What I felt, what you meant to me
What it meant to be, yours
I wish I hadn’t let you be
The one that got away.

United we Fall

This is a piece from the heart…please, please show it some respect. I won’t say enjoy because I had no enjoyment in writing it:

Shattered. Absolutely shattered when I found out of Manchester United’s prematurely premature exit from the UEFA Champions League. Never mind her hand, this is like melting in the car!! On the way to meet her!! I’ll be honest, I didn’t stay up to watch the match because a.) I was tired and b.) Let’s all fess up as United supporters, their matches have been barely watchable since the matches leading up to that 6-1 drubbing at home to our blue neighbors. So, knowing that all we needed was a draw, and given that we’ve been playing draw-worthy football as of late I figured, eh, I’ll give the game a skip. I thought at best, I’d miss a narrow 1-0 victory, and at worst, a “thrilling” 3-3 draw.

I am in an emotionally fragile state as I write this piece, all I can ask is that all Arsenal, Liverpool, Chelsea, Real Madrid, Barcelona and whatever other club’s supporters show the due respect to us at this time of mourning. We are at a loss. I ask this knowing full and well all the jokes which have been made at the expense of all other clubs about their mishaps along the years; but lest you forget, let me point out to you: this is the UEFA Champions League we’re talking about here.

Getting nailed in a Premier League match is embarrassing, but the season is long, one can recover from that. Being knocked out of the FA Cup by a non-league minnow is humbling, but that is part of the romance of the cup, that is what makes it great! Losing the Carling Cup quarter final because someone in the Top 4 decide to violate the gentleman’s agreement that we only field third teams up until the final, well, that’s just unfortunate, but that’s just the Carling Cup. The UEFA Champions League, however, is major. This is where the elite, the royalty of European football come to be watched by the millions around the world. Imagine Monaco without that French prince dude. Imagine the Oscars without Denzel. Imagine the Champions league…without…*chokes up*…Manchester United!! Some of the brilliance that happens on this stage would have you believing that the very gods of football themselves descend upon the stadium rooftops for a front row view of the matches.

So again, I ask, my fellow footballing brethren: let us mourn our loss in peace…let us lick our wounds in the cold darkness…of…the Europa…*wipes tear that’s slowly made it’s way to his chin while typing this*…League.