Drug Mule 101

I was debating whether or not to do one more piece for 2011, but there were just too many South African drug mules getting caught for me not to do this piece, so I thought I'd help potential drug mules out with some basic tips. Please note this piece was written in jest, so take in that spirit:) Hope you're enjoying the festive season, and be safe (I need to keep my stats up in 2012;) Enjoy:


So, you're a young South African with too much time on your hands, too many dreams in your head and not enough opportunities/qualifications to make the most of them? Well, have you ever thought of a career as a drug mule?

First things first though, a few things to consider:

1. Research were the job will take you. Know the laws there. Can you be given the death penalty for drug trafficking? Ignorance of the law does not mean you get a free pass. (Note: This is actually a law in most countries - well, South Africa anyway)

2. If you're fortunate enough to have DSTV, catch a few episodes of "Banged Up Abroad" on NatGeo. It will give you some insights into the possible, erm complications you might encounter should you get caught. It will also highlight some basic rookie errors to avoid in order to ensure a safe passage to your destination of choice. (Note: should you not have DSTV, go watch at a friends house. This is a must for any aspiring drug mule)

3. A simple, tried and tested rule of the drug trafficking/dealing game: do NOT get high on your own supply. This also applies to "accidental highs" caused by touching your face/eating while wrapping the merchandise for transportation. Always wash your hands, otherwise you'll realize you're high as you're waiting in the check-in queue. This WILL result in your arrest.

4. Prepare a little care pack with letters and a few video recordings of yourself before leaving for your family to remember you by in the event you do get caught. Chances are if you were desperate enough to be a drug mule your family can't afford return flights to Buénos Aires to visit you in prison...and trust me, if you get caught you'll be there for a while.

5. Bear in mind that if all you've been given to mule is 1kg of whatever, you're most likely just a diversion for the real shipment. Your boss won't really be bothered by your capture, in fact, they might welcome it or even use it to gain favour with police officials a la "tip-off". Hide that stuff like Superman will be searching you with his x-ray vision! (Note: agreeing to transport anything more than a kilo on your person is dumb)

Now you are armed with some basic tips and tricks of the trade should you be considering a position in the seemingly popular drug mule industry. Who knows, some day you might work your way up and become the muler. My last piece of advice before you enter this trade would be that you ask yourself: do I really want to be THAT guy/girl on the news undoing my dreads with a look of stone cold shock on my face after a holiday in Brazil because I was caught smuggling cocaine into Bangkok? If you had even a moments hesitation in answering, I strongly recommend you try something a little less risqué - house keeping perhaps.