Hooters Anonymous

Since I've relocated to Johannesburg, the city of what what, I think the hearing in my right ear has somewhat deteriorated due to the incessant and excessive use of hooters by Joburg drivers. This piece, then, is meant to educate these poor hooting souls on what their car hooters can and can NOT do. Enjoy:





So, you're in your cute little/burly masculine car with those Gauteng-wide famous GP license plates. Somehow, you've managed to start the car and get it moving in a forward motion sans deploying your hooter. You, my friend, are (to this point) winning at life.



Now I know, I know, you're fast approaching the boom that signals the border of your gated community and the pressure to just slam your palm against your steering wheel to emit a sound reminiscent of a dying bovine from the cockels of your vehicle is mounting - but resist my friend, resist! As, erm...wonderful and usefull an invention as the hooter might be, it has it's limitations, but first, let's start with what the average car horn CAN do.



It can:



1. Warn pedestrians/brain dead animals in the road of impending doom;

2. Prevent you from being awarded a ticket when the speed-cop pulls you over to inspect your car and asks you to test the car horn;

3. And...uh, actually there is no third point, I just put this here so the list didn't seem so sparse...which it is...otherwise I wouldn't have put this here...moving along swiftly!



Now, let us move on to things your hooter can NOT do (brace yourself, this list is a tad bit longer...actually it's a lot longer, but for the purposes of not making you feel like a COMPLETE twat for all the times you've inappropriately used your horn I've truncated it - and no, that doesn't mean I've put it into the boot).



Now where was I? Ah yes, your car hooter can NOT do the following:



1. Make the standstill/stop and go traffic move any faster;

2. Miraculously improve the clutch control of the learner driver who's just managed to stall their car in front of you;

3. Swerve your car out of the way to avoid hitting the pedestrians/brain dead animals referred to in point 1 of the first list above;

4. Prevent taxi drivers from starting their own lanes;

5. Make you any less late for work;

6. Improve your child's IQ;

7. Fix your marriage and/or sex life;

8. Make your wife get dressed any faster;

9. Make your kids eat their cereal quicker in the mornings;

10. Make the robot turn green;

11. Or make the world a better place.



So, for the love of all things sweet and merciful, next time you think of using your car horn, think long and hard about what value, if any, it will add to the human race - unless you're about to hit something. In which case my simple rule of thumb is this: If you have enough time to you hoot, you certainly have enough time to swerve! Happy driving.